1- Why people fall in love easily but can't stay there long?
2- Do all people feel loved in the same way?
3- Are there certain ways that make people feel more loved?
Well, in this book, the five love languages, Dr. Chapman gives us the secret to love that lasts. The key idea of the book is that love is a choice and we must daily choose to love or not to love. And if we choose to love, then it makes sense that to make our love most effective emotionally, we should express it in the way that our partner understands it and relate to it.
Now, don't make this mistake that because you feel loved in a certain way, the same way will make your partner feel loved. The key idea here is the idea of learning and speaking our partner's love language whether or not it is natural for us. Like linguistic in communication, when you want to talk to someone who doesn't speak your language, to communicate more effectively, it is better to learn and speak in their language. We all have our native love language that we speak and understand best, and we may also have a secondary language that we are comfortable with but less fluent at. Most relationships fail, not because people don't put in the effort to love, but because they are expressing their love in the wrong way, in a way that their partner doesn't understand. When you learn to understand and speak your partner's love language, you will be able to effectively express your love and truly feel loved in return.
Before exploring the love languages, let me remind you that falling in love is different than feeling loved. When we fall in love, which Dr. Chapman calls it "in-love" experience, we feel a temporary phase of emotional high and everything seems to be perfect. We think that our partner is perfect and that these romantic feelings in our relationship will last forever. During this in love period, which can last from a couple of months to a couple of years, we feel extremely attracted to each other. But sooner or later, this phase of emotional high passes and we eventually fall out of love. That's the time when reality creeps in and all the relationship problems come to the surface. Now, couples have a choice. They can choose to love and put effort to meet each other's emotional needs. But most people miss out on the next stage of their life and they don't put in the necessary effort. So their relationship fails. Dr. Chapman says, "True love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course."
Now that we know the importance of love languages and we also know that love is a choice. I'll share the five main Love Languages that Dr. Chapman talks about. And also I'll give you some tips on how to discover your own and your partner's love language.
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
People of this language feel most loved when it is expressed with words, compliments, words of encouragement, or even just a simple "I was thinking about you". Words of affirmation are words that build someone up. If this is your primary love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are or how much they appreciate you. To speak this language, you give verbal compliments more frequently. If this is your partner's love language, make sure they know you love their smile, their sense of humor, or that new outfit.
Love language #2: Quality time
Spending time with their partners, their attention undivided, and fully present, is how people of this love language express themselves. Being able to fully engage with their partner during activities like going for a walk, playing games, or even just coffee and conversation is what brings them the most joy. This means giving your full 100% undivided attention to the other person and talking to them. This love language is about being together, fully present, and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial. Work and busy lives can easily get in the way of this love language. We can be in the same room with our partner and still fail to really be with them, usually because of our phones. The key to quality time is undivided attention. It can either be a quality conversation or quality activities with your partner.
Love language #3: Receiving gifts
For people of this love language. Nothing says I love you more than gifts. The time, money and effort that goes into picking the perfect gifts mean the world to them and serves as an undeniable proof that their partner was thinking about them. Remember that it doesn't matter how much it costs. It's just the act of going out and getting or even making a gift for your partner that will show them how you feel about them. Gifts are visual symbols of love, and if this is your partner's love language, you can start by making a list of all the gifts that your partner has been excited about. This will give you an idea of what gifts they appreciate.
Love language #4: Act of service
People of this love language feel more appreciated when their partners do things for them. This comes down to doing the things your partner would want you to do and it is different for everyone. If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when your partner says, "let me do that for you" and helps to ease your burden. Like cooking a meal or washing the car. And these acts of service rarely go unnoticed.
Love language #5: Physical Touch
For people of this love language, touching will give them more security, and the most feeling of love in the relationship. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling all fall under the umbrella of physical touch. Do random touches throughout the day like a big hug. And they love it. Even in infancy, humans need physical touch to thrive. We often forget, but this carries on into adulthood as well.
Dr. Chapman tells us that the secret to a lasting love relationship is to learn and speak our partner's love language. It is discovering which love language you and your partner respond to the most and then regularly putting that into practice. To find out what is your and your partner's love language, check out the video I made here on the top right corner. It's designed to help you find your primary love language.
Remember, love is a daily choice and not always a feeling. Loving feelings sometimes aren't there, but you can still be loving. By learning your partner's love language, you can help your partner feel more loved and appreciated in the way that means the most to them. Best of all, you can communicate to them how much you love them and this will be the groundwork for building a lasting relationship. So keep practicing it even when it's uncomfortable or doesn't feel natural.
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