Tom and Mary are in a relationship. Tom says, “no matter what I do, it is not enough to make her happy.” Mary says, “He doesn't listen. He doesn't care about me and is no longer romantic.” They are tired of dealing with the same issues over and over again. There is nothing wrong with them. They just simply fail to understand how men and women are different, like Tom and Mary. Many couples fall into such patterns that turn a loving relationship into a failed one. Dr. Gary says that men and women are different by nature. They think differently. They communicate differently. They have different emotional needs. If you are one of the many who finds it difficult to read the opposite gender, then this book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, will be a great help to you. Dr. Gray says that for couples to get along, they need to stop expecting the other to be the same and understand each other instead. Once you know how you and your partner differ, you'll see each other from a new perspective. This knowledge will improve your relationship and resolve so many of the problems that arise from simple misunderstandings. Let's look more closely at some of these differences between men and women.
Men go to their cave and women talk
When women have bad problems or feelings, their instinct is to talk about them. Men, however, remain quiet and want to be alone. Talking helps the woman, so she assumes that the man will also want to talk. But he does not want to and becomes frustrated when she tries to make him talk. For example, John is a man and likes to solve his problems independently and rarely asks for help. So when he comes home with problems in his mind after a hard day at work, he wants to do some activity alone that allows him to kill time like watching a game on TV; This allows him to think about other things until the problems are no longer in his mind. Then he will be more willing to speak and offer emotional support to Mary. But when Mary gets home with a problem, she wants to talk to John about the problems and get them out of her mind. As she talks about her problems out loud, she can process her feelings and get them off her chest, so they will not bother her anymore. Then she will feel better and can take care of John and his needs.
Women want to be listened to and Men Offer Solutions
When a woman talks about a problem, she usually wants to be listened to but men usually offer solutions at these times because men talk about a problem, only when they look for a solution. So they assume that’s what the woman wants to hear. Mary comes home from work exhausted, talking about her day. Frustrated and upset, she tells John that she is getting overwhelmed at work. As a man, John thinks that an appropriate way to show love and consideration is to offer solutions to Mary. He tells her to resign from work and look for a new one, which she likes. Mary is sad because John does not understand her. She does not want him to solve her problems; she just needed him to listen to her so she would feel better. A woman is rarely looking for solutions when she tells someone about her problems. Just listen and care for her. If she wants a solution, she’ll ask for one.
Men need to be trusted and appreciated and Women Offer Advice
If you think you are constantly upsetting your partner when you try to help him, then you may need to change your approach. John is setting up a bookcase for Mary. Mary arrives at home and realizes that he is having difficulty building the shelf. She suggests that he call his brother for help. As a woman, Mary believes that she is showing her love and consideration for John when she offers her counsel. But John thinks his interference happens because she does not trust his abilities. He wants Mary to believe that he can finish the job and that she appreciates his effort. Advising a man is not always the best way to care about him. Instead, show that you value his effort by letting him handle the situation himself and then thank him for what he did. It is instinctive for a woman to offer advice when she sees someone in trouble, but men do not want advice unless they ask for it.
Men are like rubber bands
John and Mary are becoming very close and growing in intimacy and Mary is very happy. But, suddenly, John walks away and does not want to share his feelings and spend time together or work on their relationship. Mary is frightened and feels that she has done something wrong to push him away. Her first instinct is to run after him and force him to talk about what’s going on. But this is a bad idea. John is a man, and he is simply acting naturally. As a man becomes more intimate and closer to a woman, he reaches a point where he is suddenly terrified. He feels that he is losing his independence and needs to move away. They need support at these times, and the woman can support him giving space and not judging his need for independence. Even though this is totally normal, but it can leave women feeling hurt or confused. So, the man can reassure the woman that he will return.
Women are like waves
Some men describe female emotions as a “roller coaster,” because they can suddenly swing. Overall, Mary is a happy woman who cares about everyone around her. But John noticed that sometimes Mary is deeply sad, and he does not understand why. She becomes sad or nervous for no reason and does not care for others as before. John thought he had done something to annoy Mary, but he does not know where the problems come from. Contrary to what John believes, this is normal behavior, and he probably has not done anything wrong with Mary. Mary is a woman, and to express herself and release her negative feelings, she may occasionally feel sad and need to talk about her emotions. She needs to hear that it is okay to feel sad. If Mary wants to make this process easier for John, she can reassure him that it is not his fault. And if John is in his cave and finds it difficult to deal with her behavior, Mary can look for a friend to talk about her feelings.
Men and women communicate differently
This is the root of arguments in a relationship. Men are literal and direct when they speak and women often unknowingly start arguments by not being direct when sharing feelings. For example, Mary says, “We never go out.” John’s first instinct is to feel guilty and correct her by remembering the last time they actually did go out. But the word “never” is an exaggeration that Mary used to express how she feels. She probably did not want to accuse him of anything. Translated, that means, “I’d like to go out with you because we have fun together. Can you take me out?” Understanding what Mary meant could prevent John from reacting defensively and invalidating her feelings. Failing to communicate directly and listening to understand the feelings can create big arguments from a small misunderstanding.
Men and women have a different scoring points system
When it comes to giving men value results while women value the thoughts that come with it. So women appreciate lots of little gifts while men tend to value the big gifts more. For example, if Tom gives roses to Mary for a whole month every day, he may get 30 points from her, because for Mary each rose will score one point, showing that Tom was thinking about her. But Tom may think that if he plans a big trip, he doesn't need to give a rose every day because, in his mind, a big trip will definitely score more than 30 points. But for Mary, it's probably just two or three points. So Dr. Gray encourages men to not ignore small and easy things that can make a big difference. Also, women should appreciate men giving. Otherwise, he will completely stop giving if he doesn't feel appreciated. With man giving and her appreciating, both will gain.
Men and Women Are Motivated By Different Things
Men and women are guided by different things. Men are mainly motivated when they feel they are useful. John wants to know that Mary needs what he can give and that she values it. So if Mary does not express her gratitude for the things he does to please her, he will simply stop doing them. Women are motivated when they feel loved. Mary needs to know that she is loved and respected by John. So, when Mary needs something, it is important that she feels confident that John will take care of it.
The advice is given by dr. Gray in this book goes completely against the popular social movements that say men and women are pretty much the same. I did some research on this book and it seems a lot of people are criticizing it. They call it pop psychology, saying it is not scientific or it is sexism because it asks women to do more of the adjustments. I personally found this book very helpful in understanding the opposite sex, and I'd be happy to see what you guys think about it?
