Do you know how to go from single to married bliss? Well, I don’t either! I always say I am single by choice! It’s just not my choice! But seriously why finding love for marriage is so hard? Wouldn’t it be nice if finding your mate was just like assembling a piece from IKEA? A step-by-step process. Well, finding “The One” might not be quite that simple, but with the advice from “Love Factually” we can approach it with a step-by-step process. You know, I have read so many books about love, but for some reason, this is my favorite one. It was just such an easy-to-read book, and I loved it so much. And I bet if you are single, you’re gonna love it too.
Myth: Love Happens When You’re Not Looking
Now, If you are single, I guess deep down you really want to share your life with someone you love. That’s what life is about. Right? But finding love is a process and it really is up to YOU to make love happen in your life. I hear a lot of people say, “Love happens when you’re not looking.” But Duana says “Folks, there is a word for people over age 25 who wait for love to happen to them, and that word is ‘single.’” We have all heard stories where someone met their mate on a subway or someplace random. It is possible that this might happen to you too, but it is very unlikely. We all deserve to experience love and the odds of finding a worthy partner increase when you are actively searching for it, rather than passively waiting for it to happen. So, make sure to examine and get rid of all the beliefs that are harmful to finding love.
WHAT’S ON YOUR LIST?: Seek With Clarity
Next Step, Duana recommends creating a list of what you want in a partner. It’s basically your Wishlist. Write as many traits as you like and don’t hold back. What physical traits are you looking for? Would you like for them to be fit? What about character traits? Do you want someone adventurous, or reliable? Easy-going or intense? Funny or serious? Is it important that they are well-educated, or come from a stable, loving family? What interests and passions must they share with you? What else is on your wish list? “Dream in detail. Dream in color. Dream big.” Now it might seem strange, or maybe even a little selfish to write this long list of what you want. But think of it this way. As with any goal, or anything you want to have in your life, it helps to be crystal clear about exactly what you’re looking for. Only by having a clear vision you can bring that into reality. The same goes for relationships. So even though this might feel strange, it’s a great first step to bring you closer to what you want. Once you have your list, reorder it into two main categories: Must-Haves and Wants. This helps you to identify qualities that are non-negotiable for you. If you’re a vegetarian and there’s just no way you would feel comfortable dating a meat-eater, that could be a must-have for you.
Ok – now that you have your list, how do you go about finding that ideal mate?
Hint: Look Somewhere Close
Duana uses science back data to suggest 4 main ways to meet your mate, called the Big Four. The first two are “1- Use the Friends & Family Plan” and “2- Leveraging the Law of Proximity.” Basically, you’re tapping into the opportunity to look within your closer circles to find your mate. Before online dating, this is basically how people met each other, but nowadays it is mainly overlooked. The third way is to “3- Find Your Future in Your Past.” Maybe there is someone you know from the past who might be relevant for where you both are right now in your lives. And finally, the last way to find your mate is to “4- Fish With A Net – The Internet.” Online dating has become very popular and The Harris Survey found that over a third of Americans who married between 2005 and 2012 met their partners online. And I think in 2023 the numbers are even higher, and this trend will increase even more in the future. So don’t miss out on the online dating opportunity to meet your partner.
You can use one or all of the Big Four Ways to meet your mate. Duana says “Seek, and the odds are high that ye shall find. Don’t look, and you’re basically making the decision to remain single.”
Now let’s consider how to make sure you’re allowing the right relationship into your life.
SETTING BOUNDARIES: You’re The Landlord
It is clear that you need to have some boundaries when it comes to your love life, and with whom you choose to enter into and stay in a relationship. Duana says “We are the landlords of our lives. When we love ourselves, we have standards, and we don’t key in squatters who can’t or won’t meet them. It’s not mean. It’s what works.” What a great analogy! We probably all know someone in a relationship where we wondered why in the world he or she was putting up with the behavior of their partner. Or worse, we have let someone into our own lives that we shouldn’t have. Without clear boundaries of unacceptable behavior, you may be in for a lot of pain.
You remember the list you created for your ideal partner. Duana suggests having four “must-have” traits, and here they are: “Lovingness”, “Loyalty”, “Kindness” and “Intelligence.” These four traits might form a basis of a boundary that must exist in your relationship. For example, if you are in a relationship where kindness or loyalty is missing, it’s time to revisit whether that relationship is right for you. And by the way, look for clues from your partner’s past. If they have been disloyal in the past, or are nasty to their ex, that could be a big warning sign that their past behavior is likely to be repeated. Maya Angelo used to say, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Another helpful boundary to consider is to make sure you are with someone who wants the same kind of relationship as you want. If you are looking for a life partner but they are just dating for fun, there’s obviously going to be some conflict there if you didn’t set the boundary up front and looked for someone with similar relationship goals.
I had a friend that used to say, “Instead of getting married again, I am going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” I told him, why not set some boundaries instead? That’s easier! Remember to be a good landlord when it comes to your relationships. Duana says “Be choosy. Choose someone who fully chooses you.” In the same way that it’s hard to get rid of a bad tenant once you have given them the key, it’s also very challenging when you have given the key to your heart to someone who shouldn’t have it.
So here we have it. One lesson I have learned on my journey to find love is that you should never allow someone to be your priority while you are their option. And I have also learned that dating is actually very challenging and not fun at all. Most people when start dating they expect it to be fun and once they get hurt, they go back to being single. But you know what, finding someone that is right for you and sharing your life with them, is worth every effort and hurt. And I hope this video can help you start taking a little bit more action. Because as Duana says “Finding love isn’t a problem you can sit out!”